Sittin’ on my yeah

That’s about all I’ve been doing for the past month. Sittin’ on my yeah (code for every bad word we don’t say around the kids). I come home from work, eat, eventually get the kids to bed, then sit. and sit. Mario’s started to work out again but I’ve been avoiding workouts like the plague. He told me that he knows I’ll get back to it when I’m ready. I’m glad he’s learned that bullying me around about something has the polar opposite effect.

I’ve been sleeping awful. I start shallow breathing whenever I lay down and the wedge pillow isn’t helping anymore. I think my inactivity is bringing back my GERD in full force. At least I assume that’s what is causing this. A year and a half ago this was really bad and my doctor had me do all sorts of tests to prove that it wasn’t asthma or a lung issue. But he was a jerk about it all and I haven’t seen a doctor, except the girlie-doc, since then. I want to say that my lack of sleep is keeping me from being active but I’m sure it’s the other way around…

I’m pushing hard to “get back on track” by Monday. But what exactly does that mean? I have not been on any track (longer than 4 weeks) since last summer. I have summer tracks because my work schedule at the internship is so structured. I need to build a track that will last even when I return to school in August. Back to finding a deeper motivation.

Stupid men

So I attempted to break out of the tired, after-work, blah mood I was in by attacking my bf with kisses and no warning.  He ended up exclaiming my name in a way that sounded like he was yelling harshly at one of the kids.  I can’t even explain how utterly crapified I felt.  Yuck.  He said it was because he was afraid I would hurt his glasses.  I don’t know.  The tone was so humiliating and condescending that it sure didn’t feel like he was concerned about anything except me invading his space.

So later, still upset (he often says he wants me to initiate more, but I don’t because I get responses like THAT), I say, “I feel old, frumpy, fat and clumsy.”  To which he responds, “You are NOT old, you’re not fat and you aren’t clumsy.” 
Me: “So I’m frumpy?”
Him: “So what?”
Me: “SO WHAT?!?!”
Him: “I’m nerdy and I know it and say ‘so what?””
Me: “Well, what do you consider frumpy??  I said I feel that way, not that I AM that way.”
Him: “Frumpy is when you don’t care that how your nails, hair and clothes look.  You’re like that and it’s fine.”
Me: “That’s not true.  I may not go far out of my way because I have priorities, but I care.  I don’t go around in sweats and baggy jeans all the time.” (Okay, so once in a while around the house I do)

I storm off and go cry, locked in the bathroom wondering: Damn, do I really look that bad?  Do I really look like I don’t care?  I buy clothes when I can, I practically always wear makeup.  Maybe I just don’t know how to put it on well.  I know I don’t know how to style my hair well, but I try my best.  Since I’ve lost 12 lbs I’ve made it important in my life to at least try to look my best.  Still second guessing myself, I went to bed depressed. 

Today he sends me this email, “I have grown to know that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever loved both inside and out.  I hope you come to know this and not feel otherwise when you are with me.“  I know that was supposed to make me feel better but negatively-inspired me interpreted it as “I am trying to make you believe I think you’re beautiful because I’ve had to work hard to think that you are or at least pretend that you are.  Stop making me talk about this crap.”  Crap, crap, crap.

Hanging in

I’m not doing too hot keeping my calories down enough to contribute to a loss.  After the past year, I’ve only just now recognized how I handle stress.  I peek in the fridge, seeking some sort of escape, and something quite unhealthy hops into my hands and miraculously finds its way into my mouth.  I remember thinking, “I didn’t just eat that, did I?”  Yep, I sure did…  Then I feel guilty and eat more.  I wasn’t very happy with myself when I noticed I stuffed half a package of ham in my mouth.  I don’t even like ham much and my boyfriend wasn’t happy that I took his lunch meat, lol.

Acknowledgment is the beginning of the end, no?  I think I need to get back where I was last summer and fall – where I honestly enjoyed eating healthy.  I’m sure it will change when I’m back at work this summer and have the money to invest in more healthy (and tasty) snacks.  Right now I have healthy treats but not many that I gravitate to naturally.  Why does everything have to cost so much?

Semester is almost over.  One more final tomorrow and it’s the one I’ve been dreading since midterms, Calc III.  I went from a strong A to a strong C.  I have a good chance of getting a B, but even that is in question because I am frequently drawing blanks when doing review problems.  Ugh.  One more math class to go after this and then I never want to see a derivative or integral ever ever again in my life.  Sorry, kids, I will pay for someone else to tutor you when you get to that point in school…

Update

I did weigh myself on Wednesday – 199.2. Not too bad.. that’s about 1.5 lbs more than I was a month ago but it’s still 12 lbs less than when I started last year and it’s still below 200 (barely). Yes!

My goals, kept on SparkPeople, are to keep between 1200-1500 calories and to exercise 6 days a week: 3 days of 30 minute cardio, 3 days of 20 minute strength-training. I’ve been on every day this week except the calories, where I’ve gone over by 50 two out of 4 days. Still, nothing worth complaining about. I know from before it’s a process before I feel full eating the correct foods and drinking enough water.

I’m super drowsy today since the kids were wide awake at 4:30 when the little earthquake hit. We have squeaky metal closet doors and they were rattling as were our beds. Then, later, I tried to take a nap… until one of the aftershocks hit. Ugh. So I will force my zombified self to work out tonight. And try to motivate myself to hit the salsa club.

Avoiding the issue

My boyfriend lost 3 lbs this week. Me, I don’t know if I lost anything because I’ve been afraid of the scale for over a month. By not looking I can still think, “Maybe I lost weight, maybe I didn’t.” I guess it keeps away the disappointing feeling of not losing anything. Not only that, it lets me avoids the very real possibility that I gained weight in my time off the exercise schedule.

I am trying so hard to weigh in today. Wait, that sounds stupid. Anytime someone says they are trying to do something simply means they aren’t trying at all. Either I will or I won’t, there’s no trying involved. Okay, I am trying so hard to find the motivation…

First week back on

For my first week back on plan it wasn’t too bad. Not too great either. I almost missed breakfast and lunch a few times when I got so involved in my programs I didn’t realize how much time had passed. So some of my meal times were way off key. I also did not exercise nearly enough, 2 days out of the 4 planned. So, while I am nowhere near my level of commitment a month ago, I am working my way back.

My plan is this:
1) Stick to the DVD plans (we backed up to week 3 even though we had made it to week 9 of 12). This isn’t hard for me since Mario and I really motivate each other when even one of our heads are in the game.
2) Incorporate funner workouts. If it warms up [more consistently] I am making it a priority to get out and walk/run around the neighborhood and get back on my “salsa schedule”. The point is to make sure I am doing the things I really love and not depending on a DVD to motivate me for the long term.
3) Watch my snacks. I’ve made it too much of a habit the last few weeks to splurge not just once, but many times on high-calorie snacks. My meals overall are good.
4) Drink water! I’ve been slacking on this as well. I’ve been gorging on diet sodas for the caffeine intake. Coffee scares me… but i bet one cup of coffee and more water will be better than 3+ diet sodas a day!
5) Spend some quality alone time. Not the vegging in front of TV alone, but reflection and relaxation time. This level of complexity in my programs this semester has me so stressed out. Once I begin to write the code I’m okay because I understand the material. It’s the pre-coding, high expectations and being surrounded by computer gurus that gets me all choked up before I begin. I need to let some of that go so it stops affecting the eating, exercising and relationship aspects of my life.

Back to the grind

We spent three days in Key West and one day (really only a night) in South Beach about 2 weeks ago. Key West was so relaxing. I can’t even describe how it felt because I’ve almost forgotten. We returned to the three crazy kids and a rough semester … already it seems like the trip was a year ago. Luckily, we managed to get some good memory photos and streaming audio of the mixes we heard during our night out in South Beach.

Here we are getting ready to parasail for the first time. We planned on going snorkeling too but we missed the boat, bummer.

Way up in the air. It was a blast!

Me during the Sunset Festival, away from the crowds.

Us at the Southernmost Point. We drove by a few times when there was nobody there but for some reason this day there was a line 20 deep just to take pictures.

Back to life

Here I am, moved to a new blog to ensure that I’m keeping track of what I am doing.

I never totally lost my way. I stopped blogging due to a very intense semester and frustration with not losing any weight. I’ve teetered between 199 and 202 since January of this year. I’ve been doing great on food with WW Online. That has never been the problem. Eating well and less doesn’t make the change alone for me. The difference I needed was exercise and sticking with it.

So this is the eighth week that my boyfriend and I have been doing Gilad’s Quick Fit System and things are going well. We chose these DVD’s because I used to do Bodies in Motion in high school with my mother and sister and I remember always feeling how great a workout it was even though I was in great shape. My bf likes it because most of the moves (there are a couple exceptions) aren’t hokey aerobics moves. He still feels like a “man” while doing them, lol. I am also trying to stick with Swizzlepop’s Monthly Exercise challenges but I’ve not been great at keeping myself updated there. It still keeps me motivated though. We’re focusing on doing planks this month. Ouch, they hurt. Whoever invented them should be shot. (truth be told, I did this move in college thanks to some psycho football players… ugh… but it wasn’t a generally known exercise at that time – it shoulda stayed that way!!)

So far I’ve lost an entire 1 lb and it’s been frustrating. But, and it’s a big but, I can see drastic results already. I’ve lost several inches in my thighs. My arms and upper torso have thinned down a ton. I now have muscle where I haven’t had it in over 15 years.

It’s been hard to keep my chin up during this time of stagnant weight loss. What’s keeping my chin level is my bf. He really sees changes and comments on them nearly every day. He doesn’t push me too hard to do our workouts. He is so motivated himself that seeing him drop everything to turn on the DVD player makes me immediately halt what I’m doing as well. I’m so grateful for this change.

We are going to the Florida Keys next week and I can’t wait. I may actually wear a skirt! My thighs and knees are still gross, but my calves are not as bulky so I may just do it! I’m excited.

So I don’t know how often I will be posting. I feel this new blog will exhibit a little less pressure to “fit in” and make friends with all the posters on weightwatchen. I kind of fell out of love over there. Nothing against Roni or the others, they are great. I think sometimes in the back of my low-self-esteemed mind it was hard for me to escape the lack of fitting in. Weight loss blogging shouldn’t be about fitting in but about getting fit

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Staying OP so far this week. I’m a bit upset that WI on Wednesday didn’t go very well. What I’m really hoping to see is loss of inches at the end of the January Exercise Challenge. I’ve been working out diligently and consistently for the past 2-3 weeks. It has been months since I could say that.

Bf and I have been doing Total Body Sculpting with Gilad on Discovery Health, though I think it used to or is on FitTV as well. We got some DVDs that we will start as well. The shows on DH seem a bit rushed because of time constraints, he does not do the good warm up and cool down like he normally does. Still works the bejeezus off your abs and butt anyhow.

I’m finding it difficult to focus on my goals – I’m finding everything too overwhelming. Not losing all of the weight I gained over the holidays yet has got me bummed. I know I’m not blogging everything and I’m also feeling bummed about this. I was considering moving back over to blogger but it’s so restrictive on what you can and can’t do there. I am feeling antsy, like I want a fresh start, but sometimes I know I push for change too quickly without enough thought because I like to avoid things. In a lot of ways I am ready to move on and blog for me like this is supposed to be.

Self seeing

It’s getting easier to look in the mirror without pointing out every flaw and part that needs improvement. That’s not saying that I believe any particular area is getting smaller or anything, I am just re-coaching my thought processes. Instead of saying, “Oh my hips look humongous,” I’ll immediately focus my attention to my hair or something else that I can control. This doesn’t always work but I figure any improvement is better than none in this department.

I do have an NSV and another that I hope will be coming along soon. It’s a little embarrassing to talk about but I am proud. Before I started WW in the summer I had a lot of cellulite on my thighs. I think they each were about 50% fat and they probably were my most disgusting body part. On the outside of each thigh was a huge, hard ball of cellulite. I have become more than a little obsessed with feeling my outer thighs everyday for no other reason than to gross myself out. The good news is that the knot on my right thigh is gone! There’s still a lot of fat there but it’s not the hard, chunky consistency anymore (sorry if that’s gross to you, I don’t care!). It gives me more determination to get rid of the other one. Maybe I’ll work in extra lunges on that side, I’m not sure what will work that area more.