So I had just written a long, heartfelt introduction to the weightwatchen.com community blogs one day before the whole site was lost. I’d been reading others’ blogs for weeks and found so much motivation and courage through them and I knew it was my turn to take this step for myself. In that first post, I came to a final realization on what has kept my weight on for so long. It was difficult to write about and even more difficult to admit to myself that it was true.
In January I started going back to school full-time to work towards the bachelors degree I never completed. I also have hounded my boyfriend and myself to seek individual counseling – we both have different issues to work on but both could benefit from getting things out in the open. For myself, the issue is a damaged self-image. I don’t like the isolated, bitter, socially-inept person I’ve become the past eight years.
Those are the two major changes I did not find too hard to begin. This weight loss thing is another story entirely. In short, I gained weight on purpose. I wanted to protect myself from the weakness and vulnerability that overcame me when I was thin. By keeping people away from me (which weight definitely can do if you let it), I was less likely to be the vain, selfish, cheating, backstabbing, irresponsible person that I had become. It worked at the time, but it was, in reflection, hardly the best way to go about it. Now I have this extra 70 lbs on me and I can only just begin in attempts to lose it. I never get past the beginning. I’ve been afraid that I’ll become that person again. Once people start noticing me and talking to me more, once I open that gate, will the bad me come flooding back through?
I never got to read your blog on Weight Watchen but I remember seeing your name on the newest blog list. “Welcome!” I’ve added you to my blog roll so that we can all keep in touch. Good luck on your journey and congrats on taking the first step to seek counseling. If you discuss your fears with your counselor I really think that you can over come your past issues and lose weight without fear. You will be a new and better/healthier person in more ways than one.
Although I didn’t read your story, I can empathise. My husband and I knew each other when we were younger, but things didn’t work out. 7 years later he was balding when we ran into each other again. I laugh and say the ‘other women’ in those intermittent years may have had his hair, but I got his personality. Fact is, I just think he was ready to grow up. We’ve been through my weight gain together and he loves me regardless, just as I do him. Weight Watchers really can apply to so many areas of our life – making healthy choices for change doesn’t have to just be about food. You’ve made the first step – enjoy the journey.