So I attempted to break out of the tired, after-work, blah mood I was in by attacking my bf with kisses and no warning. He ended up exclaiming my name in a way that sounded like he was yelling harshly at one of the kids. I can’t even explain how utterly crapified I felt. Yuck. He said it was because he was afraid I would hurt his glasses. I don’t know. The tone was so humiliating and condescending that it sure didn’t feel like he was concerned about anything except me invading his space.
So later, still upset (he often says he wants me to initiate more, but I don’t because I get responses like THAT), I say, “I feel old, frumpy, fat and clumsy.” To which he responds, “You are NOT old, you’re not fat and you aren’t clumsy.”
Me: “So I’m frumpy?”
Him: “So what?”
Me: “SO WHAT?!?!”
Him: “I’m nerdy and I know it and say ’so what?””
Me: “Well, what do you consider frumpy?? I said I feel that way, not that I AM that way.”
Him: “Frumpy is when you don’t care that how your nails, hair and clothes look. You’re like that and it’s fine.”
Me: “That’s not true. I may not go far out of my way because I have priorities, but I care. I don’t go around in sweats and baggy jeans all the time.” (Okay, so once in a while around the house I do)
I storm off and go cry, locked in the bathroom wondering: Damn, do I really look that bad? Do I really look like I don’t care? I buy clothes when I can, I practically always wear makeup. Maybe I just don’t know how to put it on well. I know I don’t know how to style my hair well, but I try my best. Since I’ve lost 12 lbs I’ve made it important in my life to at least try to look my best. Still second guessing myself, I went to bed depressed.
Today he sends me this email, “I have grown to know that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever loved both inside and out. I hope you come to know this and not feel otherwise when you are with me.“ I know that was supposed to make me feel better but negatively-inspired me interpreted it as “I am trying to make you believe I think you’re beautiful because I’ve had to work hard to think that you are or at least pretend that you are. Stop making me talk about this crap.” Crap, crap, crap.
Boys are dumb but it’s hard to change that. The one thing that you can change is how you look at yourself. I know it’s easier said than done but you need to realize that you are beautiful and worthy! I don’t know your bf but it sounds like he thinks you are too…….just remember that your feelings about yourself are yours alone and you can’t punish others for those feelings. I’m not lecturing but speaking from experience. I completely understand where you are coming from but I promise if you take a minute every day to appreciate who you are, others around you will begin to take notice.
In the meantime (((HUGS)))
My reply is super late but still thought I would say hi and respond.
Steph is right. You need to love yourself. I have been over 200 pounds for as long as I can remember yet I have boyfriend and my slimmer friends don’t. AND, I’ve been with him for 5 years and he loves me inside and out.
Girl, take the compliment. There are men out there that don’t look for skinny minnies…I know my boyfriend is not one of them. He loves a voluptuous body and I appreciate that. I may lose weight but I won’t lose my curves or the person that I am inside. We give them both things–a sexy body and a kind heart.
Love yourself. Take what he says and own it. Hey, it makes for a better sex life!
C’mon, give it a try.
Lady, hang in there. BFs and DHs can be very frustrating. I think we just communicate in different ways then they do. The comment he made sounds like something my hubby would say. And then I would be bitter and sassy all night, sleep in it and then realize it was actually his way of trying to say something nice. I am sure you are his beautiful girl, you just have to learn to except it.